Guilt

16 Jul 2024

Dream

I was in a big store that looked like Walmart. There were a few familiar faces who apparently worked with me, one of them being an ex-friend named Rosa. As I was sorting SIM cards, I run into a guy and a small child (toddler). He looked very familiar, I knew him from somewhere. He says hi to me and he tells his little one to say hi as well. We have a conversation and he tells me that I am the mother of his little one. I got caught by surprise because I didn’t remember ever birthing any other child but my son Issac. He looked a little hurt and asked me if I didn’t remember a few years back when he got me pregnant. Suddenly, I got a flash of memories. In the memory, I remembered that we had a one night stand and had an accidental pregnancy. I let him know about the pregnancy and that I was going to abort. He begged me to keep his child and told me he would take full responsibility and not ask anything of me. He just really wanted a kid. I was hesitant of keeping the pregnancy but he kept insisting, so I decided to have the baby and give up my parental rights to him. When I had these memories, I felt extremely guilty that I had a child, gave him up and forgot about him. I went over, introduced myself to the boy and gave him a hug. He looked so much like his father and looked only a little bit older than Issac. I let dad know that I was sorry for forgetting about our child and that I wanted the opportunity to be in his life because he deserved to have a mother. He seemed surprised by it but was open to it and then they left. I started to think about how I was going to break the news to my family, Issac’s dad and all my loved ones. Nobody knew about the existence of this boy and I had forgotten about it myself. I wondered how I was able to block the memory out of my mind for so long. I knew I had to make things right, let all my loved ones know about “my first born” and make up for lost time with this boy.

15 Jul 2024

Dream

I was having having an argument with Zac, and shouting at him a lot about something. I picked him up by the ankle and held him over an open drain, threatening to drop him in. He started complaining that he didn’t feel well and his head hurt. I noticed his head was bleeding, and that he’d cracked his skull and a piece was visibly broken. I put him down immediately and all anger towards him disappeared, instead I started to nurse the wound and assure him everything was going to be okay. I also wondered if it was me who caused the injury to him, and felt some guilt

13 Jul 2024

Dream

I stole a expensive car in my old village where I grew up. I drove it around the streets until I felt guilty for what I’d done. I was a police officer and I ended up not getting in trouble because of that

12 Jul 2024

Dream

I was in my house. I was speaking to two friends and each of them were describing the house they rent. Then my father came and got in bed and we were trying to ask him how his apartment was. He seemed very depressed. But he said his apartment was cute. I felt sad and guilty for him.

9 Jul 2024

Dream

So in my dream it was like I was part of an ice kingdom and Aaron my bf was part of the fire kingdom. (I am pregnant right now with his child in real life) but the kingdoms could not have us together and with child to protect the two kingdoms so they separated us from each other and the school I was going to with the ice kingdom was like a highschool that had my highschool ex in it Noah who they were trying to make sure we had the child together instead of Aaron. But somehow in my dream and my mind and heart I already knew my child was here with Aaron and coming bc I was very pregnant already in my dream too and the people that were my friends wanted me to unite the kingdoms with our child but staged it to keep going along with Noah to protect my safety and he thought it was his child but wasn’t but I felt sorry for him and was having feelings for him too since being away forced away from Aaron but i knew it was wrong and my feelings could not last especially since it wasn’t his child but I did feel bad. When sentence came up and the truth was revealed that Noah was not the father the we were planning for a revolution he was furious and tried killing Aaron but it just started more of a war. And then I woke up wishing I could have finished the whole dream or create my own ending to it as well.

8 Jul 2024

Dream

my dream started out with me scrolling through tiktok. When scrolling I came across a video that my ex posted which was a video he took at a pool of people trying to discreetly have sex. there was like 12 of them. When I was watching the video i was so disgusted by what was happening and felt myself get transported into the video and be there in real life. The people saw me judging and I looked at them and yelled “we’re literally at a hotel! you can like go up to your room and have your orgy. that’s disgusting” Being in the video became reality so I walked away into the hotel. Before walking away, I thought I was scrunching my ex’s hair but it ended up being a random boy that I slightly recognized. He was like 4 years younger than me and just graduated high school. When I scrunched his hair, I guess he took that as like a sign for him to follow me which was not my intention so I ran to the bathroom. The hotel turned into like this house party for a college. It was some type of celebration going on for the college so I ran to the bathroom in the house. I closed the door and locked myself in there and tried to pee but I guess i didn’t lock it good because the boy ended up coming in. When he came in, he told me that my ex and me were getting into big trouble. Mainly because I called out the people who were having an orgy in the pool and my ex was the one who recorded it and posted it on tiktok. I felt so guilty. When I walked back out, the coach (i don’t even know of what sport lmfao because my ex doesn’t play sports anymore) wanted to talk to me. He let me know that what we both did was extremely bad and we’re looking to pay a fine between $30k to $60k. When I tried looking over to my ex, his back was turned to me. all i could see was his backwards hat, a black shirt and black shorts he was wearing with slippers. He was with a girl who I assumed was his new girlfriend. She seemed like everyone liked her and she was chatting up with a group of people they were with. Eventually the director of their athletic team came up to talk to me (she was a short blonde white lady who looked to be in her 50s - 60s) and let me know that I got lucky I left when I did because I got the less harsh punishment. I will only have to pay $8k - $10k in fines while my ex got the punishment of $80k - $100k. I felt so horrible and told the woman that it shouldn’t be him paying that fine and that it was my fault. I was the one who called out that group of people. She told me not to worry and that he’s her all star player and he’ll be okay. I looked over to my ex once again and he still wasn’t looking at me. All I wanted to do in the moment was go up and talk to him about this whole situation because I felt so bad. His new girlfriend was still around him too but it had seemed like she was getting ready to leave. I started to get a headache and went and sat down. I placed my head in my hands feeling horrible that I was one of the culprits of getting us in trouble and just sat there wondering what I was going to do.

7 Jul 2024

Dream

I had a dream that I was talking to my brother. A few days ago he had asked if I was coming to visit him before he left again to go back to Japan for the military. I told him I had just woken up and probably wasn’t gunna make it. He didn’t respond to the text. In the dream we were discussing that exact thing. He said that was bullshit. He’s been gone for years and made his way out here to see me and I couldn’t even give him a day. And mid berating he calls me in real life drunk and berating me. It was mostly a joking matter but I could tell his feelings were actually hurt both In the dream and in real life. And I do feel guilty about not making and effort but i also was EXHAUSTED that day after having been in travel for 2 days due to inclement weather. It’s upsetting

4 Jul 2024

Dream

I was at a house party and I was with a childhood friend named Mimi. The party was at her house. She was dating her brother whom I used to have a huge crush on as a kid. I brought my bong to the party and accidentally left it there. I went back to pick it up and standing there in her kitchen was her mother. The party had ended and she was with Mimi. Mimi claimed I gave her the bong as a gift and her mother (Dawn) believed her and told me to leave as it was rude to try to take back a gift. Something similar actually happened as children. My mother (Amber) and Dawn were best friends at the time. I was about 7 and Mimi was around 5 years old. I was a stupid child and didn’t understand gifting. I had a pixel chixs house toy that my sister had given to me that I loved because my sister had always played with it and never gave me a chance, so when she passed it down, of course I was obsessed with it even though I didn’t really know how to use it. I was over at Mimi’s house one day ariund this time and I told Mimi she could have it because I loved how happy it made her. But then I realized I shouldn’t have given it away because it also made me happy. I asked for it back and at this point Mimi ran to tell her mom. Mrs. Dawn began to yell at me telling me it was rude to take back a gift. I was crying. I felt so guilty. My mom came to pick me up and saw me crying. That’s all I remember. I don’t remember my mothers reaction but genuinely she would tell me to stop crying and invalidate me. I just put together the past few days that I have been a victim of emotional neglect throughout my childhood at the hands of my hands. It seems unreal. Why can I not remember what my mom said to me when I had been yelled at by her friend?

3 Jul 2024

Dream

I was at a school of some sort and one of the students there had committed suicide. I had a conversation with this person the night before their death, so the next day everyone was talking about it and what happened, and the last people he spoke to before he died. A lot of information was getting tossed around like there was some people who were encouraging him to kill himself, and i remember feeling scared that people thought i did this. I remember telling him i just wanted to be happy. I was so afraid that information was going to leak that i was somehow responsible for his death even though i knew I wasn’t. I kept getting pressure from my peers to share a poem about his death, but I didn’t feel comfortable because I was so afraid I was going to get caught somehow.

28 Jun 2024

Dream

In my dream I saw myself, or at least who was supposed to be me, like watching myself from someone else’s eyes, like how you watch a movie. I don’t remember much, what I do remember is that the person I saw (me) was sitting by an half empty pool, cleaning out debris and filth. I somehow knew I had a purpose doing this. It was really disgusting work. I was interrupted continuously with other things to do, other things that took away my attention and I forgot about the pool and the filth. And then in the middle of the dream I remembered the pool and that I needed to clean it out and I was taken back there in a blink of an eye, like I had never gone in the first place. This continued on for most of the dream, and it was only when I was by the pool that I saw myself from an outside perspective. When I was pulled away by other things I was myself and experiencing things as myself, not outside my body. I felt a lot of frustration and stress and guilt in this dream. A feeling of not being enough and doing enough but also a feeling of being very lonely.

27 Jun 2024

Dream

I’m with John W (my childhood best friend who I was secretly in love with and who now will not talk to me). He is injured but is finally hanging out with me after years of estrangement. We are playing Monopoly and it is so good to see him. Many other men stop by and say hello to us - James, Andy, Brandon (my high school boyfriend who is now dead) even - and it is good to see them (these are all men I have romantic history with) but all I want to do is stay close to John. I am sober (which I am in real life), but John gets a bag of weed and I really debate on whether I should smoke it or not. I really think about it for a second and am so tempted but decide not to do it. We are walking slowly across a room and I am helping him walk when he tells me he loves me. I say I love him back. Finally my husband David comes, he is angry, I was supposed to leave at 11:00. I ask what time it is and he tells me it is 11:19. I act like I lost track of time and feel guilty lying.

26 Jun 2024

Dream

In real life, my cat died about 12 days ago. I had a dream that my girlfriends dog Kaia (whom I live with) had to be put to sleep too via euthanasia, but we kept her body. I was traveling without my girlfriend on a train but it was mostly an airplane. I had the Kaia’s body on my lap kind of like someone would have a stuffed animal with them, but I was eating parts of her face. She came back to life awaking from the euthanasia and I felt extremely guilty for eating pieces of her face. I knew my girlfriend was going to be sad. I also went on vacation with my family and we all moved into new apartments at the resort. I went into the bathroom there and there were ghosts in the stalls.