Dream About Sister Suicide And Mental Struggle

My sister and I were alone for a few days in my hometown and we were staying at this hotel. We would go out everyday visting the mall, shopping, doing stuff around town together. It was very cold outside and I was constantly cold. I remember before going out i would put on alot of makeup and alot of accessories. Lots of necklaces and earrings and i dressed up in things that werent really my style in real life and i knew that but i was enjoying trying something new. I would constantly worry about my sister as she would always want to be independent and didnt want me constantly watching over her. She disappeared once and I had a panic atack. I ran outside to go look for her and waited in the bus station but it was too late, she had already taken the bus away. I started crying and then my parents showed up. They were worried but calm, somehow their words were comforting but were also subtly making me feel very guilty. The sky was grey and the air was frosty biting at my areas of exposed skin. The air smelled of pollution and had a sourness to it. I was extremely sad that my sister left and i knew it would be a long time until i saw her again. Eventually my family all split up. My dad and sister lived alone for the time being as my mom and i were away and i lived with my boyfriend Alex in the big city. We were going to same college. And old building with a strange comfort to it. It was also surrounded by birds and black cats. Alex and i were driving to the college one morning and i heard my phone ring and it was my mom. She was frantic. My sister had had a freak out and injured my dad and then comitted suicide by slitting her throat. Mentally i was teleported there for a few seconds and i could see what happened. My dad was sitting down in the living room with deep stab wounds in his arms and stomach. His head hung therr motionless, he was alive however unconscious. I started violently trembling as i walked down the hallway to my sister’s bedroom. There on the yellowish wall was a huge splatter of blood it went almost to the ceiling. She sat slumped against the wall, her head rested on her shoulder in an unatural way. Her open eyes still staring at me after death. The wound in her neck gaped open and blood still slowly oozed down the her shirt. The air had a sour metallic sting and the atmosphere was heavy and dizzying. I panicked and cried and screamed. There was no way i was going to accept that this just happened. I was horribly affected by what i had seen and i knew i would never recover. My dad was rushed to the hospital and my sister to the funeral home. I rememberd how much i had loved her and how i would have done anything for her to keep her alive. It felt like someone took a million knives and started twisting them around in my heart. I was never the same after that. Alex and I eventually ended up going to the college and there was this party going on there. We were starting to get to know people. It was hard at first and I felt alone even though surrounded by so many. The girls kept excluding me from their group and i started befriending the boys and the tomboy girls. It actually went well and we started hanging out. Alex was on the outside of all of this as he believed that everyone at school were peasonts and he didnt want to associate himself with a lower class. I hated his arrogance however i tried to ignore it for my own benefit. One guy offered me some drugs. He offered me molly and i knew i couldnt say no. In my waking life i have done molly before and i rememberd how beautiful and comfortable and euphoric it made me feel. I wanted something to wash away the pain so bad. As the molly started coming up i could feel waves of happiness and love just washing over me. With every wave it was like the horrible things i had seen were slwoly fading, wave by wave. Alex left, apparently he had something more important to do. I was scared what his reaction would be when he came back and saw me high but also i didnt care so much. I told myself that he never had to endure such horrible things in his life like i did. Somehow, and very suddenly i had a very intense flashback and it sent my spiraling. Suddenly i saw people for what they really were. Everyone there was a snake besides maybe one or two people. I went into one of the room and I told them im not feeling ok. One girl told me she’ll go get me some water but when he tried to open the door, there was a wall behind the door, when i tried to open the window, there was nothing but wall there. Suddenly claustrophbia and paranoia started setting in. I remembered very vividly the scene with my sister and my head started spinning. Again i started screaming that it did not happen. I grabbed a random knife that was sitting on yhr table and started cutting myself. My high had turned into a maddening delusion and i wanted to rip myself out of my own skin. Voices and colors were distorted and it felt like i was in hell. The modern art designs and pictures and statues that lined the corridors suddenly were speaking to me all at once in a deafening conglomerate of madness. I passed out eventually and alex came back. I was sober now, and i told him im not doing ok but i didnt tell him about the molly as to not cause an arguement. He asked me why and i told him that mentally im very damaged by what i saw. He just stared at me coldly and shrugged. He said he has more important stuff to do and told me to go home. He then left. I felt really lonely and I tried reaching out to old friends. I really needed someone to stick with me during this time. I spoke to my cousin and we agreed to see each other in the city. We had old fights in the past but now we were mostly over them. As i was getting out of the subway station the exit was extremely narrow and claustrophobic. I noticed other people struggling to get through but they didnt complain as if it was completely normal. I got angry. I had had to deal with crap like this for so long and no one seemed to care. As i was coming out the exit i got enraged and i started pounding in it out of frustration. It ended up breaking and i was so confused because i thought it was concrete. It was actually cardboard that looked like concrete. I felt relieved and i did not feel bad at all for breaking it. Then a security gaurd came to me and started berating me in front of everyone for breaking the exit/entrance to the subway station. I didnt care that he was mad. I didnt care at all about breaking anything until my cousin came and said that I was embarassing. She said i should have just tried my best to squeeze through that exit and not break anything. She said i should pay back for repairs and to be more self aware next time. I was really embarassed and i regreted breaking it now. We then ate a fastfood together and even though i was a little mad at her we ended up having a good time. Afterwards, we went back to the college and this time i invited her to come as well. There was this party going on and there were lots of people there. Big flashing colorful lights and disco music filled the atmosphere. There was of course drugs and drinking and people fucking in the extra rooms. At this party there was this man that was trying to induce us all in a hypnotic state. Amnesiec almost. His voice guided us as we slowly lost control over our consciousness and our subconscious took control. Everyone there was seeing what they wanted to see, blissful hallucinations dreamlike trances. Everything was ethereal and extraordinary. As i was looking around i saw this girl. She was beautiful and she told me to follow her. She led me farther from the main group of people, and in that moment of pure euphoria like no drug can induce she looked at me in the eyes and we started making out. It was beautiful. We were intertwined and it felt like we had a connection beyond just our physical bodies. Her soul felt magical and gorgeous. Her hair was dark, long and flowy and she had whisps of silver and gold in it. Her lips were soft and comforting. I felt something when i kissed her that i never felt before. Suddenly i felt a hand grab me away from her. I looked and it was my dad. I felt so happy to see him but also confused as to what he was doing there and why he pulled me away from that girl. He told me to look again at the person i was just making out with. It was a boy. A random ugly boy from school that i wouldnt kiss for 100 dollars. I was horrified. I was so entranced that i couldn’t see who i was really kissing. Everything was in my head. I was terrified because i knew the trouble i would be in with alex. Alex usually didnt have a probelm with me kissing girls but of course he had a problem with me kissing boys. I would have never kissed that girl if i knew she was a boy. But i knew he would never believe me. I hated that at one point we were going to have this conversation and he would question my loyalty. Deep down however i knew that i was not guilty because i know what i saw and who i thought i was kissing. I was even more paranoid that people took pictures or filmed the whole thing and were going to send it to alex. That caused me to panic but my dad was there for me and tried to calm me down. He took me in his car and said he wanted to show me something. I noticed him. He was pale and skinny, still addicted to his drugs. Even though he seemed to look worse it also seemed that something in him chnaged after my sister took her life. He seemed to have found himself but in a twisted way. He took me and my mom in the car and we drove up this mountain. It felt so strange to be just us now. Life felt vacant without my sister. At the top of the mountain there was this cabin. Inside was this asian man. He was gentle and had kind eyes. He was a sculptor. He made statues but also little candles in all sorts of styles. He made decor and soap and even some perfume. The cabin smelled clean and fresh and modern. There was something so peaceful about that place.