11 May 2025
Dream
I had a dream in which my brother Tony and a few of my cousins and I were shopping in a mall. There was a rack of clothes with white turtle necks on sale as well as 90s vintage clothing such as wind breakers and cross colored clothings.
In another part of the dream, we were either in a hotel or still within a really nice mall. We were in the corridor of the mall and there was a really nice and comfortable looking brown turtle neck and a pair of jeans lying on a white chaise. On top of the clothes was a letter with my name written in it, and a $25.00 gift card I could keep if I were willing to leave a review of the clothing. Initially, I was asking my Uncle Wayne if he wanted to leave a review and receive the gift card. I saw how the excitement was growing on his face as well but before I could even finish my sentence, I immediately changed my mind. I said, “Nevermind. Nevermind. Nevermind. I’ll do it!”
I took a closer look at the turtle neck. It was soft and the material was warm. It was comfortable looking and would match perfect with my skin tone. The jeans were tailor made. I had never seen a pair of jeans like those in my entire life! They were stitched and pleaded well with a flap that had several buttons that would cross over the zipper. The pants were 90s inspired yet futuristic! I was elated! One of my Aunts was in the corridod as well. I told my family members that I use to leave reviews but I stopped. I had actually forgotten all about them but I thought to myself in the dream that I wasn’t going to give away what God had blessed me with or let it slip out of my hands. I remember thinking how I also was use to giving my blessings away without even thinking twice about it but then I realized how much of a disservice I was to myself. Of course those who were on the receiving end of the blessings I was giving them never declined my gifts but this time, I wasn’t giving my blessing away. If I recall, I also got to keep the clothes if I promised to leave a review!! I was overjoyed because not only do I love writing, I loved the clothes. While examining the clothes further, the wheels in my mind were already turning and I knew the descriptive words I would choose in my review.
My Aunt found another piece of paper that confirmed I use to leave reviews. She said, per the paper, I earned over $3,000.00 doing reviews. I has realize how much money I had earned. One of my cousins said I earned more than the average person earned in a year or half a year. I just thought to myself, after waking up from the dream, that the letter had my name on it which further confirms that it was for me.
In one more part of the dream, I was in a house with my grandmother who we all call Mama and other family members. Mama said she would be visting Tabernacle Holiness Church on the 2nd and 4th Sundays (the church where I attend and where my father has been the Pastor for several years and where my grandmother attended before she went to Heaven). She said she would visit St. Paul Holiness every other Sunday to keep an eye on Yvonne.
Yvonne is a twin. She is one of 12 kids my grandmother gave birth to. My grandmother said (in the dream) that Yvonnes husband (Sam) was treating her really bad. Mama said although Yvonne would post positive messages about their marriage on social media, it was the total opposite in real life.
In the same dream, Pastor Holliday (Mama’s sister who is also in Heaven), and I and a few others were in a house or church like setting. Pastor Holliday pulled me to the side to talk to me about a couple’s marriage. It could have been about my aunt Yvonne. Pastor Holliday said how could someone say they love someone if they treat them bad. I agreed with Pastor. I was also thinking how could they say they are a believer but yet treat the one they say they love that way.
My cousins & I then started playing some fun card games. They aske me where I had gone. I was happy to let them know that i has been talking to my pastor…Pastor Holliday.
Now that Im awake, as I reflect on this part of the dream, after I questioned how someone could be a believer and treat someone they love that way when love is the greatest gift, I also thought in the dream how could someone be same sex attracted and a believer. I then realized that perhaps that part of the dream wasnt about Yvonne but me and Ralph. In real life, Ralph has been dealing with a bout of depression for the last few weeks. He had to step away from Tabernacle because his views about sexuality was changing and he also felt the weight in the church while he sung. Leading praise and worship in a small family church where 3 family members passed away in less than 3 years was challenging to him. He was also dealing with his own internal challenges.
He had been talking about leaving for months (we both had been) especially after Delvin passed. On Easter Sunday, he had written a text message to the praise & worship members that he was stepping down or away for awhile after missing a few Sundays, he called me distraught. He felt he was disappointing everyone. I came to the house we purchased together where he lives and comforted him.
I know he’s dealing with conflicting thoughts about faith, freedom of expression, and sexuality. He said in a text message a week or so before, after he and I got into a disagreement, that he wasnt in the right head space to be in a relationship. He said it seems as if it wasnt working out and that we should both heal & work on friendship. He said he didnt know what the future holds but we needed healing.
Fast forward to the last 2 to 3 weeks. Ralph use to text and call frequently but that changed likely due to depression. But i promised him while he was crying on my shoulders that i would be here for him. This past Friday he had to sing at a church at 7:00 PM. He texted me when he left & when he arrived at the church.
10:00 PM arrived & soon it was 10:45 PM. No text messages. I relented and texted him at around 11:00 PM letting him know I was checking in him before falling asleep. Within 25 seconds, he called and said he left church & went with Ashley (a mutal friend) out to eat. He handed the phone to Ashley and she was happy to speak with me. He said they were about to leave. I said i was just checking before going to bed.
Honestly, I was disappointed and angry at Ralph. He didn’t think to at least text or call me after leaving church. Im trying to give him grace but its difficult when i feel as if im being disrespected. I fell off to sleep and woke up to a text message letting me know he made it home. It was well after 2:00 AM.
Saturday he texted me good morning. I swallowed my pride and texted him. I wasn’t as engaging as i once was with him via text. Admittedly, I still feel some sort of way. Apart of me wants to throw him away. Another part says to pull away but don’t throw him away.
Perhaps I need to continue being loving and kind because love is the key but its difficult. How can I question my Aunt’s husband’s salvation because he’s not loving her the right way when perhaps Im not loving Ralph the right way. If we were not ever in an inimate relationship, perhaps it wouldn’t be so hard. I gotta give grace even when Im hurting. I gotta try & understand him even when I feel overlooked and disrespected.
