30 Apr 2024
Dream
In the dream I a young girl with dirty blond hair bright blue eyes. My name is May. May is wearing an old peasant dres that is old and torn. She is sitting outside surrounded by rubble. May sits on a rock near a little fire made from stone and wood. The ground is a soft dirt surrounded by shrubs and old and dead trees. Some grass is growing. Beside May is a wise and old monk dressed in a brown but worn robe. He is a friend and provides a sense of comfort. Him and May talk with each other about a power she has that is spiraling out of control, the darkness with it, and how it came to be.
May speaks to the monk with much sorrow in her heart. “I’m sorry but there is no beauty in a gift so terrible.”
He responds saying, “But May, there is beauty in it. The things he taught you and showed you when it came to your gift is a lie. I have watched as it only brought in darkness and anger into your life, where love should be.”
May tells him how she’s not even sure she ever knew what love was or is.
But he confineds in her that she does. That she has for many years. He tells her to think back. Think back to the girl and the world she created with her magic when she was just a child. He tells her that the little girl is her! At least she is who May longed to be when she was young.
Mays eyes fill with a bitter sorrow as she thinks back to the little girl she met in the forest. She thinks back to when they used to play together near the castle where she once lived. She talks about how, for the longest time she never knew that the girl never truly existed.
The girl she created as a child with her powers was named Nadia. In the dream May starts to imagine her in her head and remembers Nadia. She was so kind and graceful. Her smile was like a ray of sunshine. There was a light of hope when ever May was around her or Nadia’s family. When May was with them she didn’t feel so alone; nor did she feel like she had to hide from the darkness. It just seemed to vanish.
The Monk continued , “She was another side of you that you wished to be. There was love lacking in your life; so you created her to try and fill in that gap.”
May began to cry. “I needed her. I thought she needed me too; but she vanished just like everyone else in my life.” Mays voice began to break as the anger rose up in her. “All I wanted was love. She was the only one I ever felt gave me that. Then she changed and she.., she left me…”
Mays eyes filled with tears. She grasped her chest, trying to just take in a breath. The monk looked upon Mays face with concern but he then smiles at her and gently says to May.
“May, you are loved. It was him that hid that from you. That made you feel that you were incapable of love.”
May shouted at him. Feeling a sense of rage. “But look at the way they treated me… They looked at me as if I was a monster. How could someone love something they feared..? I thought I had it under raps, but eventually it drove even Nadia and her family away too. You can not say that it was all him that made others leave me?”
The monk stood silent for a moment. “Sometimes when we are so encased in darkness we don’t always see the pain that others are in. That goes for all of us. There are things we did not see when it came to you and this growing power that consumed you. But you also did not see others pains and afflictions. There was pain and darkness even within the girl you created. You just didn’t see it. You only clung to the love you thought was there. This world is a lot more complicated and others pain is not alway laid out so clearly in front of us.“ May started to dry her eyes, though the pain and sorrow still lingered. May tried her best to make sense of his words despite the agonizing conflict she felt in her heart, But managed to say “But she always looked so perfect to me.” The monk smiled before saying “Because that is how you imagined her to be. You felt alone May, and unseen by even those closest to you. You were so desperate for love and to be seen that you disregarded the darkness that was there and just clung so desperately to the love you thought she and others had. You incased yourself in it; blinding yourself to the reality of how things actually were. In the end she couldn’t save you unless she let you go and you her. You had to wake up May and start learning to love yourself. She could not do that for you.”
Mays eyes once more filled with tears. His words pierced her heart as she saw the truth within his words. Though a part of her didn’t want to hear it, nor except it. However, she knew it was true. But she still doubted herself. Tears filled her eyes before she spoke. “How can I, when so many have shown me every reason not to.” Then I woke up crying.
