23 Jan 2024
Dream
I was having a great time painting the scenery/landscape out the window in this very beautiful light room setup, there was beautiful flowers, very well kept bushes, pretty statues, benches, it looked so dreamy. My ex boyfriend steps in and asks me what I'm painting and I tell him I'm just painting the outside of the window, to which he smiles and says "That looks amazing, I'm proud of you for the work you've done in such a short amount of time" to which I smile back at him and say thank you. He asks me if I'm excited for our road trip and I respond "I'm honestly quite nervous of it, you and I just started being on better terms recently" to which he responds "I promise you there's no Ill will behind this, I actually want to patch things up" to which I respond "I know". There's a time skip of me having a phone call with my friend Fred who knows everything that my ex George has done to me and he isn't too enthusiastic about our trip or about me speaking to him again so he decided to go on the field trip too, and I'm perfectly okay with it. Time skips to me being anxious about being in my first flight, I've never been on a plane before but I'm sitting with both George, who's my ex and my friend Fred. George squeezes my hand and smiles at me and I calm down. The flight goes well and we arrive to our destination. For our trip we had gone to Santiago de Querรฉtaro, which is located in Mexico. My father's mom and some of my uncles and aunts with their own families live there. We went to stay over at my grandmother's house for a couple of days and we loved it. There's a time skip to the next day and it's night time, we are looking at fireworks and a parade going by in front of our street which isn't something usual during that time of the year. In the distance, I notice one of the vans ahead starts to sink into the ground as the driver runs out dramatically and the vehicle disappears, it looked like the earth had just swallowed it, my friend Fred told me to run and we all ran trying to get away from that area. There was an earthquake nearby that cracked parts of the land and made sinkhole gaps, not all of them were too deep, a lot of people were saved and made it out alive while many others weren't as lucky, plenty of lives were lost and that made me distressed. All my family , Fred and my ex were safe. I asked myself why I made it, I didn't feel worthy of avoiding such faith. I don't have kids, I'm not smart, I'm not successful, I haven't had major achievements, I wasn't an outstanding citizen, I was easily discarded and replaceable. I spoke about this to a therapist in Mexico and she said "That's not true, you're more than enough. You just have to remember why you're here" then there's a random time skip to me laying in bed while my ex is getting dressed. We had slept in the same bed since I kept having nightmares and he had been comforting me. I turn to him and thank him for being there and he says "it's not a problem, it's difficult to not want to be here for you" and I ask why and he says "Because I still care about you" to which I ask "I thought you didn't, you've told me you didn't" and he said "I couldn't afford to, but I've healed. You should forgive yourself too" and then I ask him "Are you really willing to just forget everything that happened and all the trauma and start over from zero? When I asked you last time, you got mad and threatened to leave me stranded in the middle of nowhere at night in a parking lot and said you couldn't do that" to which he said "I don't want to remember those times, they hurt me and I do in fact have regrets from all the attempts I ignored from you to salvage what we had, that's why I'm willing to forget it all and forgive because I know that's exactly what you need" and then I told him "But aren't you sacrificing yourself and your needs and pretending to be someone you're not and feeling miserable?" To which he said "No, I just said that to make you feel guilty so you'd stop nagging me about it, I couldn't handle living the consequences of my actions so I just need d time away from it" he then tells me "You were never competing with anitger woman, you were competing with my childhood. You couldn't fix me because you are no match for my wounded inner child" to which I ask "But how is he doing?" And he says "He had closure, he's okay now" then I ask him if we could be intimate once more to which he asks "why do you want to be intimate with me? Is it because of the sexual pleasure?" And I say "no, those are the only few times you actually caress me, kiss me, hold me, look at me without me having to ask you to" he smiles and says "I get it, I'm not good with affection. I know you are in love with me but what you need right now is someone who's emotionally available and unfortunately, I'm not." I begin to tear up and he puts his hand over my head and gives me a tender headpat and says "I have to let you go, and you also have to let me go. It's okay to break your promise, I wouldn't want you to make me your last after how I treated you. Find someone that can give you what you deserved, not what I did" to which he just kind of disappears like sparking dust and fog in the room and becomes a bit of light out the window in this brightly white lit room. I hold my chest and the necklace he had given me which I had been holding in to also disappears in the same manner into the window light. I look out the window and remember I haven't finished my painting so I run to the art studio and begin to finish it to which it was a beautiful garden landscape out a window with a bunch of yellow and white roses around that had beautiful yellow and white butterflies which I had added gold leaf accents for decoration purposes. I really wanted it all to look like a magical painting. I submitted the painting to a contest and won a lot of money and began my career as an artist by drawing my emotions.
