26 Apr 2024
Dream
I keep trying to reach out to my abusive ex, to resolve what happened. However, just like real life I can’t. I have aliases on many game engines, identities for emails. And he never responds.
I keep trying to find him, I’m having panic attacks and trying to track him to ask him to help me. Last him know I’m still having panic attacks because of what he’s done
Nothing matters, I can’t reach him. Just like real life. I wonder if my ex is real… I can’t find him or see him… I’m scared.
Meanwhile I’m with my family. My cats keep escaping outside. I have a gps so it’s easy to find them, yet it gets harder every time. I have to give the two of them baths.
All the while my family is bonding. I’m distracted by finding my ex, I miss a movie that I’m sitting in the theater for. I accidentally cast the game I’m playing on the screen…. Someone thinks it’s me, but the the app froze on my phone, and I’m not casting anymore. I’m lying and telling the truth when I say “it’s not me…”
I go home with my family. We change clothes, and not cars are looking for a way to communicate with me in a common language. I pick up my girl cat and finally give her a proper bath. I’m using soaps and tools of never use in real life. The suds are everywhere, and I remind myself to be gentle when brushing her toe beans.
I finish, and turn to a tub to rinse her off. I thought the tub was full of water, but it’s a shallow bit of dark urine in it. I accidentally drop my cat in it, the sound of her landing in the tub-now empty- makes me think she’s hurt… but she’s fine.
I rinse and dry her off. Some time has passed and I’m at the movies (the theater is connected to my house?) again with my parents and brother and I ask if they made sure the cats are inside.
They didn’t. Again, I’m distracted by trying to find my ex-begging him to help me- and I put my phone away and return home to get my cats. The gos says My male cat is over my fence and in my neighbors garage, and my girl cat is hiding on my garage roof.
After struggling I get them inside, groom them again and try to relax.
I’ve decided to delete everything that links me to my ex… I’m having a panic attack while I do…
I keep wanting to believe in him, but believing in my ex is causing more distress.
I delete everything, except the new book club my mom added me to.
