8 Apr 2025
Dream
[I have a recurring dream theme about houses. I'd often dream of going into abandoned houses that were somehow personal to me with sheets covering up old furniture and I've come to believe that the houses were a symbol of my own body and self care and intergenerational issues I'd unconsciously learned and adopted from my mother who'd learned them from her mother, my maternal. The houses were so beautiful and lavish yet seemingly set aside and no longer inhabited. When I'd enter them, I was curious and excited like finding secret treasure. Sometimes the houses had secret rooms and sometimes they even felt haunted. Over the years, I came to believe they were the symbol for the inner conflict and psychological baggage that my grandmother harbored and somehow manifest in her life as morbid obesity. She passed on certain attitudes and habits to my mom, who was also overweight from the time she was pregnant with me, which somehow had felt like a guilt trip for most of my life.
My mom was never as heavy as my grandmother had been, but she also had obvious blocks to healthy self care habits. And though I've never been as fat as my mom, I think those values and habits did affect me.
The dream theme helped me liberate what I believe had been an unconscious tendency of a kind of self neglect. Then, a few years back I was able to prioritize my health and get more fit including losing 34 pounds, which felt great.
I managed to keep the weight off several years until my thyroid began acting up and probably due to stress, I gained it back. Then my mom died and that left me feeling fragile and sad.
For the past year and a half, I've just gotten my thyroid treated, stabilized my weight, and slowly started getting on with my life through new work and social activities.
But recently, I've started putting on more weight due to binge eating, which really isn't at all like me. I've also been keeping an erratic schedule and not exercising enough, which I'd like to change.
As the dream theme of houses and other buildings personal to me seems to be returning, I find myself thinking the building are more than metaphors for my body that needs more attention, I think they are symbols of emotional and practical safety that I'm craving.
And while I have friends, I do not have any partner nor family left, which feels vulnerable. I'm okay being independent, I actually prefer it to a mediocre relationship, but I wonder if I'm subconsciously packing on pounds just so I feel more safe and protected somehow. I'm curious your thoughts about this subject. Thank you. ]
