19 Jun 2026
Dream
My dream started off unremarkably. I was walking down the street of a neighborhood that felt familiar to me, though I couldn’t explain why. I thought I was simply out for a walk until it ended at a small discount store where I used to buy drug paraphernalia when I was using meth.
There I was, standing in a store I hadn’t been inside for six years, staring at the same glass pipes I used to buy, displayed behind a glass case near the front counter. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by a craving—not just for meth, but for detachment from the reality I was living every day. It was a reality filled with struggle, sadness, frustration, and hopelessness. Yet right in front of me was a small glass pipe at a discounted price, practically calling my name.
I desperately wanted to feel “normal” again. I wanted the unwavering confidence meth had given me. I wanted the sex appeal I remembered feeling when I was high. I wanted to see all my old friends, use with them again, and somehow catch up on the six years that had passed without them.
So I bought the pipe.
Then my mission became finding the drugs to put in it.
I frantically searched through my phone contacts, hoping to find someone who might still have access to methamphetamine. I found no one. Years ago, I had purged every person associated with my drug use from my life. Out of desperation, I turned to Facebook, but again, I found nothing and no one who could help me get what I was searching for.
Finally, I turned to Grindr, the gay hookup app where finding access to meth had always been disturbingly easy. And it worked.
I found a dealer and, shortly afterward, the drug I had been desperately searching for. It wasn’t long before I was stuffing meth into my newly purchased pipe and smoking it as though I had never stopped. I was ravenous for it. No amount felt like enough. I couldn’t stop myself from smoking far more than I needed to achieve the result I wanted: numbness and confidence.
Then the dream jumped forward in time. I went from desperately binging meth to using it regularly in secret, hiding it from my husband. I slipped right back into everything I had left behind when I got sober. I was high more often than I was not. I attended exclusive sex parties that made me feel desired, attractive, and like the hottest person in the room. Those were feelings I hadn’t experienced since putting down the pipe six years earlier.
My husband and I hadn’t been intimate for that entire time. In the dream, it felt as though I was trying to make up for six years of lost experiences. I had sex with countless strangers, none of whom I knew. Even though I was willingly making these decisions, I felt I had to do it, almost like a compulsion. And, like always, I felt immense guilt after every encounter and after every binge. Sadly, that feeling was never enough to prevent me from engaging in all of it all over again. The dream ended with me finally breaking down and telling my husband everything.
He didn’t seem surprised. It was as though he had known—or at least suspected—that I had relapsed long before I confessed. I could see the pain in his eyes, the tears. I could see that I had broken something, and after that, he stopped talking to me. I begged him to speak to me, but he wouldn’t. Sometimes he refused to even look at me.
I pleaded for his forgiveness. I just wanted him to look at me and be angry, or devastated, or anything at all. Instead, I saw nothing. The silence felt worse than the hatred I believed I deserved.
As the dream continued, I kept using. My relationship and my marriage slowly ceased to exist. All I had left were the drugs and the temporary emotional connection I convinced myself I was finding in the people I used with and slept with.
When I woke up, I was overwhelmed by a profound sense of loneliness. It was so intense that when I rolled over and realized that my husband had already gotten out of bed, I immediately got up and went downstairs just to be near him as he got ready for work. I eventually fell back to sleep on the couch, but I remember feeling an immense sense of relief that it had all been just a dream.
It had all felt so real. There were no fantastical storylines, no impossible situations, and no bizarre dream logic. Everything felt grounded in reality. It was simply another using dream—one where I destroyed everything good in my life for the sake of a drug and the temporary, artificial relief it promised.
What lingers with me most is not the drug itself, but what it represented. In the dream, meth wasn’t just meth. It was confidence. It was validation. It was escape. It was a way to avoid grief, sadness, frustration, loneliness, and all the difficult emotions I’ve carried with me since I chose the route of sobriety. Yet, just like in real life, it demanded far more than it ever gave, taking piece after piece of my life in exchange for the illusion of relief.
I woke up grateful that the life I watched unravel in my dream was not my reality. But I also woke up humbled by how vividly my mind could reconstruct it, how quickly old pathways could light up and make the past feel present again. Six years of sobriety have changed my life, but they have not erased my memories. Recovery does not delete where I have been; it teaches me how to live with that history without returning to it.
Dreams like this remind me that relapse is not just a single decision—it is a series of small compromises that can begin long before a drug ever enters the picture. They remind me that the person I used to be is not gone so much as dormant, waiting for neglect, resentment, isolation, or despair to create an opening. That reality is sobering, it is terrifying, but it is also clarifying.
More than anything, the dream left me with a profound sense of gratitude. Gratitude that I woke up in the life I once feared I would never have. Gratitude that my marriage is real, that my recovery is real, and that the loneliness, secrecy, and destruction I experienced that night existed only in my sleep. If the dream was a warning, it was also a reminder: everything I stand to lose is matched by everything I have been fortunate enough to gain. And today, I am profoundly grateful to still have it.
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