21 Jan 2024
Dream
I was in some kind of problem, and I can't remember the truth.
I went in and slept with in my grandparents house in the room where my mother is currently sitting.
My cousin Youssef was coming in and out, and I slept crying and praying it was all a dream.
*Ironically it was actually a dream*
When I woke up, I found Youssef bouncing on the bed, but he was still very young, and his face was not as pale as now, with blood running through it, and he was sitting laughing and joking with me. I woke up laughing at him, and looking around, I found his other cousin’s children sleeping on the bed next to me. Omar is still alive, but He doesn't walk, and Muhammad walks like in the past, wearing a purple pullover that I used to see a lot of.
I looked at my hands for a long time. I was surprised that I was young again, and my entire life was running in front of me at once. At that time, I told myself that this time, I would never make the same mistakes again.
We returned home. As soon as I went, I went to my closet. I threw away all the clothes I didn’t want, and my mother was fighting with me because she didn’t like that. I told her that I was free to wear what I wanted, and I kept wearing the clothes that made me comfortable. More than once, mom and dad were fighting with me. I didn’t care. One time, my father brought me a picture from his mobile phone of me, Nada, and my cousin, wearing clothes that looked like each other and carrying my brother Islam, and he said to me, “Look, how beautiful you were?” I told him "I wasn't pretty, I was upset, look at me?"
I left him and sat fooling around in the house.
We went out and went to the Orman Garden. It was time for the flower exhibition, and I had a lot of money for it. I asked them to let me get some plants at my convenience (at this age, in fact, I was afraid to ask them for anything, even if I needed it for school). I grabbed my mother’s hand and started buying a lot of things. Then I told her to come with me to see the lotus lake under the moonlight because today is the International Moon Day (a strange thing, yes), and somehow I suddenly grew up. I was 14 years old. My father used to fight with me and hit me because he wanted me to wear the hijab (in fact, I hijabed very young. Maybe 10 years), I called the police for him, and they took him away and he did not appear again throughout the dream. My mother kept cursing at me and fighting with me. I told her that if she laid her hand on any of us, I would do the same to her too.
In the dream, I was aware and thinking of everything that had happened to me in my life. I was thanking God that I had not made the mistakes I had made before, and I knew that I was about to meet Sarah and Reem. I was thinking that I would not talk about anything that might cause me problems. No. Sexual transience and no religious ideas, until I can get rid of them.
But still, I was living my age in some way.
I started playing and bouncing at my leisure again, going out alone as I liked, doing everything I loved, until I met Reem and Sarah on the same day. Somehow, they both knew me, and they were both on a trip similar to mine, restarting their lives again. I completely ignored Sarah, while Reem asked me to forgive her and start over. I told her that I would never go back to her again, because what happened in my previous life with her was enough for me. She told me, “But we are changing, and in your new life you have changed. Give me a chance to change too.” I shook my head and continued on my way from alone.
The dream began to get very distorted here. My family, somehow, all of them suddenly disappeared, and I was locked in our house again. I have no idea why. This time, no one locked me, but the door of the house would not open no matter how hard I tried. It was a completely incomprehensible turn of events. I entered my room and locked the door. Another time, as I was when I was imprisoned by my family in the house in real life, I started crying and cutting my notebooks and books, and I tried to commit suicide more than once, but I failed, all of that actually happened in real life when my parents locked me in the house.
I was looking for my mobile phone everywhere, maybe I could talk to someone who would let me out. I found it, but it was out of charge. I turned the whole house on a charger that I couldn't find. I kept trying to remember my grandfather's house number so I could call him from the landline. I was completely unable.
I went out to the balcony and the sun was still rising. I kept calling out for someone to come help me, and I woke up like that.
